Top 5 ways to objectively be a doongie at the gym

22 09 2011

Objectively [uhb-jek-tiv] (adj.):

existing independent of thought or an observer as part of reality.

Person A: 2+2 = 4. This is an objective fact.

Doongie [doong-ee] (noun):

An unattractive individual who, oblivious to his or her own perception, exhibits behavioral characteristics akin to someone with an unusually deficient Intelligence Quotent.

Person B: G’day mate, haya gan?

Person A: Please keep away from me and refrain from any sort of verbal communication with me, for you are a doongie.


Here is a list of things 5 to do if you want to be a doongie when working out at the gym:

5. Not bringing a towel.

One of the worst things in the world is the unwitting descent into the pool of sweat someone left on the machine they were last using. Newsflash. When you work out, you sweat. If you fail to clean it up, you are a doongie

4. Not being subtle

If you deem it necessary to check someone out at the gym, try not to be obvious about it. There is at least somebody else in the gym who will notice you doing this. It is rather amusing catching you stare at the butt of every female that walks past, however, you become a doongie.

3. Failing without a spotter

If you don’t have anyone to spot you, especially when bench pressing, either do one less rep, or take a lighter weight. No one is impressed by what you’re benching because, chances are, there is a larger, more samoan individual who is going to bench more than you when you’re done. Go 100%, but be humble and wise at the same time. If you are seen on a bench with a barbell sitting on your chest, faintly squealing ‘somebody help!’, you have achieved doongie status.

2. Dancing in between sets to the 80s techno music loudly emanating from your oversized headphones

Nothing to be said about this really, except that doongieness will be manifested in abundance.

1. Bad form

…especially when squatting. Not only are you probably going to ruin your back, but you have the even worse consequence of officially being a doongie. It’s best to get a gym trainer to demonstrate to you the right position and movement to do this exercise. And again, no one is impressed by a big weight if you aren’t doing it correctly, so you are only fooling yourself.

If you engage these things, you are well on your way to being a doongie!




One response

23 09 2011


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